Poem, Gitmek. Hayatta Kalabilmek Icin Bir Ömür Veriyoruz

"Bugünlerde herkes gitmek istiyor.
Küçük bir sahil kasabasına,
Bir başka ülkeye, dağlara, uzaklara...

Hayatından memnun olan yok.
Kiminle konuşsam aynı şey...
Herşeyi, herkesi bırakıp gitme isteği.

Öyle "yanına almak istediği üç şey" falan yok.
Bir kendisi.
Bu yeter zaten.
Herşeyi, herkesi götürdün demektir.
Keşke kendini bırakıp gidebilse insan.
Ama olmuyor.

Hadi kendimize razıyız diyelim, öteki de olmuyor.
Yani herşeyi yüzüstü bırakmak göze alınmıyor.

Böyle gidiyoruz işte.
Bir yanımız "kalk gidelim",
öbür yanımız "otur" diyor.

"Otur" diyen kazanıyor.
O yan kalabalık zira...
İş, güç, sorumluluk, çoluk çocuk, aile,
Güvende olma duygusu...
En kötüsü alışkanlık.
Alışkanlığın verdiği rahatlık,
Monotonluğun doğurduğu bıkkınlığı yeniyor.
Kalıyoruz...
Kuş olup uçmak isterken, ağaç olup kök salıyoruz.

Evlenmeler...
Bir çocuk daha doğurmalar...
Borçlara girmeler...
İşi büyütmeler...
Bir köpek bile bizi uçmaktan alıkoyabiliyor.

Misal ben...
Kapıdaki Rex'i bırakıp gidemiyorum.
Değil bu şehirden gitmek,
İki sokak öteye taşınamıyorum.
Alıp götürsem gelmez ki...
Bütün sokağın köpeği olduğunun farkında,
Herkes onu, o herkesi seviyor.
Hangi birimizle gitsin?

"Sırtında yumurta küfesi olmak" diye bir deyim vardır;
Evet, sırtımızda yumurta küfesi var hepimizin,
Kendi imalatımız küfeler.

Ama eğreti de yaşanmaz ki bu dünyada.
Ölüm var zira.
Ölüme inat tutunmak lazım,
İnadına kök salmak lazım.

Bari ufak kaçışlar yapabilsek.
Var tabii yapanlar, ama az.
Sadece kaymak tabakası.
Hepimiz kaçabilsek...
Bütçe, zaman, keyif... Denk olsa.
Gün içinde mesela...
Küçücük gitmeler yapabilsek.

Ne mümkün.
Sabah 9, akşam 18
Sonra başka mecburiyetler
Sıkışıp kaldık.
Sırf yeme, içme, barınmanın bedeli
Bu kadar ağır olmamalı.

Hayatta kalabilmek için bir ömür veriyoruz.
Bir ömür karşılığı, bir ömür yani.
Ne saçma...
Bahar mıdır bizi bu hale getiren?
Galiba.

Ben her bahar aşık olmam ama
Her bahar gitmek isterim.
Gittiğim olmadı hiç,
Ama olsun... İstemek de güzel.

-Can Yücel"

:') I miss all my relatives in Turkey all of a sudden, feel horrible that I didn't go to them this summer although I have a blast alone. Some things you shouldn't miss out on though. Going to see my way to Ankara as soon as I can.

An Intermediate Post

Just had this amazing feeling. The feeling when you are full of confidence, and know exactly what you want to get out of life, you have a huge goal and you love the fight and the struggle to get there. I firmly believe that fighting for something, going bust then in the end finally succeeding is much better and rewarding then getting something on a silver platter.

Ah, life is good. Going out to the garden getting my tan on with my Stanislavski book, An Actor Prepares, and my pad and pen, might get a flash of an idea or something, write it down.

Life is good, but we already know that don't we? Don't take it for granted and enjoy every second of it, love what is natural and free, not what money buys you.

A proper post, the one I wrote last night, will come a bit later, let it mature a bit, like wine.

Thinking Big pt.1

You know, there is a reason for the slow updates, mostly because the weather is so nice. When you sit outside on the knoll of our little garden, soaking up the sun, getting a little bit of color and reading "An Actor Prepares" by Stanislavski himself, having the most amazing barbeque, the last thing you think of really is blogging, but then all of a sudden in the middle of the night you get this urge of writing, it might be the coffee which you can see on the picture right next to my trusty pen and pad which let's me write whatever I wish from soul to paper.

I love and appreciate much more the old things, perhaps they have more soul unto them. 1950's vintage cars, love them. LP Players adore them, my trusty Yashica Mat, love it. I'm going to try to get some 120 size film for it very soon and start shooting some pictures, I've only heard great things about it. Does classic "old" things like that automatically get soul? Who knows but I love the energy and the feel from them.

For my, everything starts in the mind first. Now that I have firmly chosen my profession, I try not to do things that doesn't elevate my in one way or another as a better actor, it's all in the psychology of my mind. Not interested in going to clubs at all, never been though, or do some meaningless stuff that doesn't feed my soul, as Stella Adler put it. I did finish her book by the way (The Art of Acting) thought me a lot of things, things that Stanislavski goes deeper into obviously in his three books.

Books books books. Done reading one, got three more to go. Also trying to find Marlon Brando's own book "Songs my mother taught me", it seems to be out of stock everywhere I look though... what to do? I pray that they get some in stock very soon, dying to read it. Marlon Brando... which leads me to my next point, Last Tango In Paris, just watched it, in fact if you look at the picture on top you can see a still shot from it. When people ask me "Who is your favorite actor?" there isn't a surprise when I don't even hesitate to answer "Marlon Brando". It's not like I got a few people up high on the list, there is only one at the top, and everyone else falls behind accordingly.

Had a nice little session with our local cat, Mr Cat, outside the other day. It's not our cat, we don't own it, it's a wild cat I believe, it doesn't have a collar so it just goes around and does it's own thing and comes around to our place every once and again to get pats and a bit of fish. Some people have it bloody good... and I am definitely one of them. I'm counting my blessings don't worry about that. Look at the picture, isn't he the kings of his domain? Not gonna lie though, it did accidently scratch my hand (as if my hands weren't ravaged enough) and it immediately got infected from it's, what I assume to be since it's a wild cat, very infected claws, it's alright Mr Cat, you're forgiven for now.

GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY!. We all know that I plan on taking acting classes, 6pm'ish for 2-3h in Kulturama, just had a little look at their website the other day, looks like they put in acting classes for beginners that focuses on Stanislavskies method, if that isn't bloody good luck and a sign from the skies as if the heavens parted and a beam of light struck on my then I don't know what, I'm going to be there come hell or highwater.

Got more to blog but, this is getting a bit TOO long, even for the casual reader, if you made it this far, fucking congrats, now take a coffee break or something. it's quarter to 3am, I got a few more things that I wrote down on my trusty pad but, take that next time, better breaking up this into few parts rather then going on all night.

Love you darlings, bye bye!

Tear Jerker

I have to share this, because this made me well up and cry one paragraph in. I haven't even read the whole thing it would destroy me.

"Pixar grants girl's dying wish to see 'Up'

HUNTINGTON BEACH

– Colby Curtin, a 10-year-old with a rare form of cancer, was staying alive for one thing – a movie.

From the minute Colby saw the previews to the Disney-Pixar movie Up,

she was desperate to see it. Colby had been diagnosed with vascular cancer

about three years ago, said her mother, Lisa Curtin, and at the beginning of this month it became apparent that she

would die soon and was too ill to be moved to a theater to see the film.

After a family friend made frantic calls to Pixar to help grant Colby her dying wish, Pixar came to the rescue

.

The company flew an employee with a DVD of U

p, which is only in theaters, to the Curtins’ Huntington Beach home on June 10 for a private viewing of the movie.

The animated movie begins with scenes showing the evolution of a relationship

between a husband and wife. After losing his wife in old age, the now grumpy

man deals with his loss by attaching thous

ands of balloons to his house, flying into the sky,

and going on an adventure with a little boy.

Colby died about seven hours after seeing the film."

Take out your napkins, I'll leave the rest up to you guys.

Rest In Peace.

An Ode To Roseboy

An open letter.

Dear Roseboy,

You surprisingly and wonderfully took a leap of faith and joined our lives like the robins in the summer days. A lot of questions are racing in my mind as I write this, such questions as "Where did you get your shirt from?" and "What's up with your haircut" but these meaningless curiosities pale in comparison to what you did that faith full night when you turned to you friend and said "I'm going to give Megan Fox a rose =)"

I'd imagine you said this while on a skateboard and digging to "Surfing U.S.A". I have no doubt in my mind that as you approached Megan Fox you yelled "I STEPPED OUT OF 1991 TO GIVE YOU THIS ROSE" this must have happened, end of story.

Cargo pants giving in to the light breezy of summer's weather, even Megan's tattoo wasn't interested.

Roses are red

Violet's are blue

I found this white rose

Just to give it to you

Thank you roseboy, let's us all pray to god that we will see you again.

Go Johnny Go Go!

Oh man, this song has been spinning in my head all day long, SONG OF THE DAAAAAAY.

I have been through about fourteen chapters (i.e fourteen classes) of Stella Adler's book "The Art of Acting" and it's really fascinating (wow that was a damn hard word to spell). To basically put it in layman terms, acting is about using your imagination, and building circumstances around you and just react and play a long with it. You don't act feelings, actually you don't act at all. You DO.

Like Sir Ben Kingsley said in his "Inside the Actor's Studio" episode, the camera is allergic to acting, it doesn't like it or take it in one bit. If you "act" in front of a camera people will spot it in a second. The camera's achilles heel is BEHAVIOR. Behavior, behavior, behavior.

What a long strange trip this is going to be. I am of course still dreaming about New York Film Academy and that scholarship. I've gone through it time and time again in my head and yup, if I do get that scholarship I'm off, great isn't it? I can't imagine anywhere else to study to be honest, not a single place in the world, except under Stella Adler herself but alas. NYFA just attracts me something immense.

My idea book, where I write down all my small little ideas I get is getting a little bit thicker by the week/month.

I am going to leave you with this though, although I have already given you too much, some insight to a great mind, mine. (HA!) and a CLASSIC song (still got it playing as I write this in loop). Here is a amazing short film from... Yes Uzbekistan, how did you guess? :) Based on Ray Bradbury's short story called "There will come soft rains" which I am guessing is based on a poem by Sara Teasdale. And I am giving you all three bitches!

The .pdf short story.

And the poem, three is a charm. Cha cha

" There will come soft rain and the smell of the ground,

And swallows circling with their shimmering sound;

And frogs in the pools singing at night,

And wild plum-trees in tremulous white;

Robins will wear their feathery fire

Whistling their whims on a low fence-wire;

And not one will know of the war, not one

Will care at last when it is done.

Not one would mind, neither bird nor tree

If mankind perished utterly;

And Spring herself, when she woke at dawn,

Would scarcely know that we were gone.

Sara Teasdale"

My Books Are Here BITCHES!

Was in a bit of a mood. Turns out it's going to be shitty weather all week, and I was looking forward to keep tanning... (Hey, if you get sun for one month out of the year, you would be a sun worshiper too). But I do have some color on me now which fucking boosts my self esteem by 100x.

I tip toe down to the kitchen only to find this little red box, what in the...?

YES! My fricking books are here finally. After an semi-angry mail with a bitchy response it finally trickled down the mail, let's open it shall we?


BOOM BITCHES. Yes the coffee and the "Dumle" candy was complementary... not really, I had to fetch it myself. Now there is only one thing to do, "hit the books". I have already started reading Stella Adler's book. Got through two chapters. A lot to learn indeed, the only sad bit is, I wish I was there! Because the book is written as if you are in class sitting amongs the pupuls, so you can't really partake in the exercisez but alas. Can't complain I guess.

The books are; Stella Adler,The Art of Acting; Constantin Stanislavski, An Actor Prepares; Constantin Stanislavski, Building a Character.

One of the absolute first things Miss Adler mentions is "Don't buy Stanislavski's books, you won't understand them" don't know if I should :) or :(. Fuck me.

A Hard Hitting Thought

One of my favorite sites out there at the moment is definitely Boston Big Pictures, it's just amazing. I love the fact that they post up pictures you would otherwise never see in your life. Everything from wars and famine to shuttle launches.

Which leads me to my point, when I see things like THIS I just sit here on my comfy bed while fucking BLOGGING and taking a sip of gorgeous tea while the sun is shining outside (got a tan now too, how about that) listening to iTunes on my Macbook in a three stories villa I just think to myself what the holiest of holy fucks are we doing yea? Are we really living life like this moaning about absolute bullshit "Oh I'm depressed, oh he/she doesn't love me, oh my grades aren't that good, oh the weather is bad" while people carry SULFUR ON THEIR BACKS with a smile on their face? These people work to death (quite literally) for pence and living the most basic life you can imagine and we moan??

Everytime someone in the western world fucking whines we should imidiately get a kick in our stomaches and a slap on the face and show us how the rest of the world lives. Shame on us!

If this doesn't give me motivation to try to be the best I can be in whatever I have chosen to do in life then fucking shame on me. If I have all the opportunities I do have now and fail then fucking shame on me. I should be treated like a scab If i ever whine again.

Fuck... really pathetic. So get off your asses and chase your dreams now, time waits for no one.

Right, on a more lightly note, summer is great. Got a wedding I need to attend to on Wednesday. For some reason I don't want to go, I am not sure why. Has living in my own head and doing nothing but soul searching for the past five years made me into a recluse? Not really I just need to get the fuck out of this country. Oh man I've been watching all the Stella Adler, Stanislavski, Maisner documentaries on youtube. I am kind of intimidated over what I might get myself into but I love the prospect of it as well. I know now that when I get into acting courses and schools eventually I need to fight hard and get over emotional barriers because an actor's worst enemy is feeling like we are making ourselfs look like fools infront of everybody.

It'll be alright though, I'll look back at thoes angels who carry solfur on their back and that will slap some sense in me.

Love and peace out.