Runaway Train

I am deeply touched by this film. I've seen it a once or twice already years ago, this is one of those films that run every year on swedish television... when I used to watch television several years ago.

I gave it another go for nostalgia's sake and I am so very touched. What a riveting, suspense film. I was hooked from the first minute to the last. It's been a very long time since I've seen a film like that. I wasn't sure what to expect before I started watching but now I am in tears... been wiping tears of my face for the last few minutes, especially with the perfectly fitting tune at the end with the end quotes from Richard III;

"No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity"

"But I know none, therefore am no beast"

Gloria in D Major - Et In Terra Pax

I definitely felt for John Voight's character, I kind of felt some sort of connection what he could've felt and went through, us against the world. Good man at the wrong place and wrong life.

That ending scene is one of the best I've ever seen, it goes straight into my favorite scene library and there are not a lot of scenes in there. Cherry picking.

Check out the trailer now, and see it as soon as you can if you want to do the universe a justice.

Done and DONE With This Place

So yea, needless to say, I quit both of my acting classes. I realized these two old dogs have NOTHING to teach me and I have a much better taste and understanding of acting then they have (thank god for Stanislavski). I think they have been really stuck in this old mechanical/plastic/bullshit-theater way of acting, obviously picked up a mountain of bad bad acting habits which like Stella Adler once said "I don't want to be subjected to that" so I quit and thank god for that. I don't want to be TAINTED with what they are "teaching"... I just feel sorry for all the others in the class, really nice people and I'll miss their company and I hope they all do great in the future.

My future is getting out of here. As you know I am going to RADA. I just hope that I won't be as surprised by these horrendous bad ways of acting that I met with in these courses in RADA. I don't think I will though, at all. Judging by this I think I'll be very happy come summer 2010. I'm just waiting for school to finish to be honest. Not that I care at all about the school shit, the only reason I am there is because I get cash and I refuse to grind my soul and spirit to a pulp via working nine to five.

I'm even thinking of going to the englands a month early, hopefully find and settle in a squat, get to know the place and stay there for as long as possible, hopefully to the end of the year.

Don't disappoint me RADA, please. I know the genius Stanislavski is dead but let not his work be. If that place doesn't work out, i'll just start working on my own...

...work my way to the top.

Books!

I am loving books more and more for every day that goes by. It really has become a new joy for me that I didn't know could be so much fun. It's not that I didn't know but as I grow up and change from my youth NOW books are a very nice pleasure rather then before. I got so many new books I don't know what to do with myself, I don't like to read quick, like some people do. I always get confused when people read out a book in two days or something like that which is completely crazy, I read as fast as I talk, like a narrative voice in my head, kind of like listening to an audiobook. I never read fiction, I should be clear about that, although there are some very special noticeable exceptions but those books are pure legends, like Lolstoy's Anna Karenina, an my favorite book Nicole Krauss' The History of Love, but these are truly special and exceptional. You'll find me reading acting books, well Stanislavski's books to be more precise, and philosophy books. I'm trying to find a good meditation book to read but I am not sure which one that would be... still need to do more research. I am not happy with the level I am at with meditation, I want to become better and be more understanding of the subject/practice, I will in due time!

The books that I read right now are Stanislavski's Building A Character again, because it's my bible (along with An Actor Prepares of course) it's now time to read Creating A Role too, so I am going to do it as soon as I am done with Building A Character. I also read Sophie's World which is a classic beginners book to philosophy. My thing is, I read the acting books after say 5pm (I can't read a book before then, I need to get into the "mode") and late at night I only read philosophy. 

About not reading fast, I don't. Like I said, I read like I am narrating. I also usually read a bit, stop, think about it and start talking to myself (via inner dialogue, not out loud unless I am alone) and have a discussion and maybe try what I read etc then get back to reading. This methodical, very brainy-inner-monologue-philosophical way of reading is great for me, very interesting and I enjoy it more then just reading something from A to B. I guess you couldn't do this with a fiction book though... well I never read em' anyway. 

These are the books I need to plow through, and I am doing it with gentle ease and enjoyment; Building A Character, Creating A Role, Sophie's World, My Life In Art (got a few chapters left, I read this every now and again, I love reading it a bit, puttig it down, reading something else then taking it up again, much like I will do with Anna Karenina) Existensialism, From Dostoyevsky to Satre, might read Art of War soon too, Tommaso Salvini's Biography, History of Love again, White on Black by Ruben Gallego, etc. Sandwiched between these I'll do some Shakespeare (got his complete works by Oxford now) and Chekhov (his complete works is in the mail).

A little footnote, "Blade Runner" has an amazing soundtrack, I am really really impressed, I am going to listen to it all day for a few days if I know myself.

So long, I think i'll do a blog about my way of acting next, because I've been thinking of the unimpressive thoughtless mechanical acting I've been witness to lately that I just realized.

Cheers

Getting Sick And Tired of This SHIT

Ok, I went to the library like I always do to escape from this mental hospital called "home" to read and relax. Relaxing is the last thing I am doing in this place. So I went to the library to read and over the course of an hour and a half I only read ONE page. That's right, one little fucking page, why? I kept having inner dialogues (albeit like I always do, but usually give it a rest while I get to reading) but I couldn't get todays thoughts out of my head.

My acting "teachers" are fucking shit. Harsh right? What they teach is fucking annoying and thats why I quit the Stanislavksi class because the teacher was getting to me with his annoying old-dog theater-tricks, same old rusty theater crap that you see complete amateur kindergarden folks do. My other class "Film acting technique" is slowly turning into the same shit, can't I just meet ONE human being for once in my life that I can look up to and learn from, ESPECIALLY IN THEATER.

This little fucker... (I shouldn't say that, he is a bit peculiar but it's just frustration and anger right now) "taught" us some scenography bullshit, something he called "acting", I'm not going to explain what he did because it was shit, it went in through one ear and out the next. 

For two fucking hours sat everyone there while he line for line went through what one actor was supposed to do while she was up on stage (two girls were doing a monologue, and he said "do it like this, cuz thats what is cool" yada yada bullshit if I've ever seen it) and I was eating my brains out. I mean it was the most over-the-top theatrical, mechanical, plastic piece of acting advice I have seen and I am sad that the people who were there might take it on and actually (god forbid) use that shit one day. All this hit me today though, I wish I had thought of how shit all this was then. He kept showing these poor girls how to frikking push a chair back as if it was supposed to make her seem more "in charge" then the other actress, showed her how to go around, stand at a 45degree angle behind her as if to seem cool or some shit, I mean I don't even want to go over it. TWO HOURS sat I there listening to this shit. 

I sat thinking about this and some other things, but mostly this and could only read one page. In Michael Cain's "acting in film" book/tv show there is a perfect example of how my teacher is a complete fool, and an old creepy bastard who is hitting on women in our class.

Michael: "There is a story of Jack Lemon who was working with George [Something], and it was his first movie and he come from Broadway, theater, and he kept doing a scene  and George would say "CUT!, Less Jack... less." Jack would do it [the scene] again, "CUT! Less, less" Again, "CUT! Less!" And Jack finally said "If I'll be doing any less I'll be doing nothing!" and Geroge said "NOW you've got it =)". See my point? Fuck is pushing chairs like an idiot walking like it's a scene from a spanish soap opera going to achieve? Ridiculous and complete amateurishness. I should tell him that next time. 

When I feel like the teacher is so out-of-line wrong and that I KNOW MORE AND BETTER THEN HIM that doesn't make you want to keep going to his practice does it? And I've already payed good money for this shit.

When my turn came up, 30 minutes after we were supposed to quit I did my "Friends, Romans, Countrymen..." and nailed it in first go and could fuck off out of there into the blizzard.

I feel like Hamlet, how he felt like Denmak was a PRISON to him, a *PRISON*, I'll quote what I quoted before;

"  Hamlet:

   What have you, my good friends, deserv'd at the hands of

   Fortune, that she sends you to prison hither?

Guildenstern:
Prison, my lord?

Hamlet:
Denmark's a prison.

Rosencrantz:
Then is the world one.

Hamlet:
A goodly one, in which there are many confines, wards, and
dungeons, Denmark being one o' th' worst.

Rosencrantz:
We think not so, my lord.

Hamlet:
Why then 'tis none to you; for there is nothing either good or
bad, but thinking makes it so. To me it is a prison."

Sweden is a prison! Take me out of here, teach me GOOD Stanislavski acting. Although I am starting to feel like I don't need acting lessons I need to start acting these classes are more of a fucking money and time sink then anything else.

Small Pleasures In Life

Sitting in my room with a few lit candlelights, they give a soft warm light against my light beige walls,  a nice cappuccino, a little bit of tobaco and an amazing film to see or a great book to read ("Sophie's World" right now, I only read philosophy during the nights) and the world is alright for now.

Watching Blade Runner right now. RADA can't come fast enough.

Although I hate the winter, it does look amazing with all the trees cowered in snow.

Poem, Nothing Will Die

By the poet Lord Alfred Tennyson, heard in the amazing movie The Elephant Man,

Listen to this, think of John when he put his head down.

"When will the stream be aweary of flowing

Under my eye?

When will the wind be aweary of blowing

Over the sky?

When will the clouds be aweary of fleeting?

When will the heart be aweary of beating?

And nature die?

Never, oh! never, nothing will die?

The stream flows,

The wind blows,

The cloud fleets,

The heart beats,

Nothing will die.

Nothing will die;

All things will change

Through eternity.

'Tis the world's winter;

Autumn and summer

Are gone long ago;

Earth is dry to the centre,

But spring, a new comer,

A spring rich and strange,

Shall make the winds blow

Round and round,

Through and through,

Here and there,

Till the air

And the ground

Shall be filled with life anew.

The world was never made;

It will change, but it will not fade.

So let the wind range;

For even and morn

Ever will be

Through eternity.

Nothing was born;

Nothing will die;

All things will change."

Rest in peace John. Still crying my eyes out.

Shakespeare In My Head

I am falling more and more in love with Shakespeare as I found stuff out. I've dropped out of the Wednesday Stanislavski class because I can't be arsed to do a play in Swedish, it's like pulling teeth and I will not be subjected to such nonsense because Swedish does not, what so ever, interest me and that is that. And I don't think I have anything else to learn from that course.

Saturday morning classes with Michael Manson is great though, it's brilliant fun, most of all because I can do Shakespeare since he is a Shakespearian teacher! So I am doing the "Friends, Romans, Countrymen..." monologue for the class. I keep getting the same remarks, SPEAK SLOWER, I know I know, it's a slight problem, but not so much to be honest, even Marlon Brando said that it's IN SOME CASES (not with Shakespeare I'd admit) it's more natural and truer to life to slur your speech a bit because that is what people do IN REAL LIFE.

Anything that comes of as theater to me is like someone is forcing you to eat feces, yes, I am making a strong point. Fucking hate THEATER theater you know? It's appalling. People don't go around speaking like politicians for christ sake. Anyway, there are so many issues running in my head lately but as you know I don't talk about my private life because it's of no ones concern except for mine and mine alone.

Back to Shakespeare. I have, like I said, a ton of Shakespeare monologues and dialogues in my head that keep repeating themselves over and over again, do you guys get this too?

Hamlet talks about what happiness is, if you like to put more of a backstory into this, watch this great TED talk at the bottom of IsItPossibleToBeHappy?

"  Hamlet:

   What have you, my good friends, deserv'd at the hands of

   Fortune, that she sends you to prison hither?

Guildenstern:
Prison, my lord?

Hamlet:
Denmark's a prison.

Rosencrantz:
Then is the world one.

Hamlet:
A goodly one, in which there are many confines, wards, and
dungeons, Denmark being one o' th' worst.

Rosencrantz:
We think not so, my lord.

Hamlet:
Why then 'tis none to you; for there is nothing either good or
bad, but thinking makes it so. To me it is a prison.

Hamlet Act 2, scene 2, 239–251"

It is very true though, nothing is neither good or bad, but THINKING makes it so.

And this piece from King Lear Act 3 Scene 2;

"

Enter LEAR and Fool.

Lear.  Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! rage! blow!

You cataracts and hurricanoes, spout

4

Till you have drench'd our steeples, drown'd the cocks!

You sulphurous and thought-executing fires,

Vaunt-couriers to oak-cleaving thunderbolts,

Singe my white head! And thou, all-shaking thunder,

8

Strike flat the thick rotundity o' the world!

Crack nature's moulds, all germens spill at once

That make ingrateful man!

Fool.  O nuncle, court holy-water in a dry house is better than this rain-water out o' door. Good nuncle, in, and ask thy daughters' blessing; here's a night pities neither wise man nor fool.

12

Lear.  Rumble thy bellyful! Spit, fire! spout, rain!

Nor rain, wind, thunder, fire, are my daughters:

I tax not you, you elements, with unkindness;

I never gave you kingdom, call'd you children,

16

You owe me no subscription: then, let fall

Your horrible pleasure; here I stand, your slave,

A poor, infirm, weak, and despis'd old man.

But yet I call you servile ministers,

20

That have with two pernicious daughters join'd

Your high-engender'd battles 'gainst a head

So old and white as this. O! O! 'tis foul." And a the first scene of Julius Caesar also STUCK in my head, HENCE, HOME YOU IDLE CREATURES! I just love it, don't know why, I love it. Last but definitely not least, this AMAZING monologue from Thomas Kyd's "The Spanish Tragedie", now don't get me wrong, when I sit here and quote these monologues I don't sit day in and day out and read Shakespeare, although I try, these are bit's that I have either read or stumbled upon but what difference does it make? I bought a 1400page "The Complete works of Shakespeare" from the Oxford Uni, I'll read that come summer 2010 in Rada.  This great monologue is very touching and I think it's VERY good, I'm planning on doing this in front of class with a few props with me, like a lit candlelight and such, I hope I can squeeze out a few tears as well because the scene almost demands it. I've read this and done it a few times BUT doing it in front of others is a different matter, just read this will you; "Heiro.   What outcried pluck me from my named bed, And chill my throbbing hart with trembling feare, Which neuer danger yet could daunt before? Who calls Hieronimo? Speak; here I am! I did not slumber; therefore twas no dreame, No, no; it was some woman cride for helpe, And heere within this garden did she crie, And in this garden must I rescue her, But stay! what murderous spectacle is this? A man hanged vp, and all the murderers gone! And in the bower, to lay the guilt on me! This place was made for pleasure not for death.          He cuts him downe. Those garments that he weares I oft have seene,-- Alas! It is Horatio my sweet sonne! O, no; but he that whilome was my sonne! O, was it thou that call'dst me from me bed? O, speak, if any sparkle of life remaine! I am thy father. Who hath slaine my sonne? What sauage monster, not of humane kind, Hath heere beene glutted with thy harmless blood, And left they bloudie corpes dishonoured heere, For me amidst these dark and dreadfull shades To drown thee with an ocean of my teares? O heavens, why made you night, to couer sinne? Bad day this deed of darkness had not beene. O earth, why didst thou not in time deuoure  The [vile] prophaner of this sacred bower? O poor Horatio, what hadst thou misdoone To leese thy life ere life was new begun? O wicked butcher, what-so-ere thou wert, How could thou strangle vertue and desert? Ay me, most wretched! that haue lost my ioy In leesing Hortaio, my sweet boy!" (Had to type all that manually, yes it's all spelled like that)

RADA Summer School Is ON!

It's official, I got my confirmation letter, come 20th of July, 9.30
AM I'll be at the doors of RADA in London not knowing what I am
getting myself into. It's going to be a very tough and hardworking
experience I think but I am sure I am up for the challenge, I need a
boot up my ass to get me into 4th gear now, been cruising on 2 and 3rd
gear for a bit now, and my appetite has left me longing for more.

My main question now is where to live? I need a place to stay. I have
a idea of squatting with a bunch of other people, it might be very
adventurous and fun, and I don't have to pay up to 300 pounds or more
to live there for six months, hell, If I feel like it, I could squat
indefinitely, hows that for charms?

After the four weeks of summer school there is a possibility I COULD
get into a week long RIGOROUS week of intense shakespeare that starts
the week after summer school ends, this is what they say about it:

"Once you have completed the RADA
Shakespeare Summer School, or a related
course in the recent past, you are eligible
to apply for Shakespeare in Action; a week
long, rigorous work-out with RADA's key
tutors culminating in the performance of
an adapted Shakespeare play in one of the
Academy's theatres.

The course offers close personal supervision
in the context of professional production,
with advanced skills classes and one-to-one
tutorials in Physical Performance and with the
Course Director. Be warned that this course
is exceptionally demanding and should only
be considered if you have strong stamina
and are confident in your ability to work at
an advanced level. Entry is at the discretion
of the Course Director. "

Fuck me, I kind of have to do it, I cannot pussy out, I bet this is
going to be the straw that is going to break the camels back in the
sense that If I can get through this without dying then I really have
made up for the procrastination and depression earlier in my life,
well the procrastination is still on a little bit but meh, it's called
being AN ARTIST.

My only slight worry is remembering my lines (I am NOT one of those
people who can read a script 5 times and they remember EVERYTHING,
more like reading it 50-100 times, no joke) and obviously the talking
english bit too. Although I am very good at that (for a
non-english/american etc person) it's still a bit rusty right now as
you might imagine because I am living in Sweden now and here we talk
swedish and not english on a daily basis, so it's going to be a bit
rusty but I have to plow my way through it.

Also my Stanislavski class that goes on at Wednesday nights have
started, and I'll be attending "Film Acting Technique" with a fella I
have heard very good words about on Saturday mornings, more on that
later though.

If you are not on top of your dreams and chasing em and doing
everything you can right now, try to do it mate. I have no idea how I
went from my deepest depression/procrastination state to where I am
now, definitely deserve a cigar.

--
Http://burakenk.blogspot.com
Http://www.twitter.com/buraken